Seriously Purple -Micro aggressions

I’ve been wanting to write this blog for a little while now and I’ve just returned from the Vigil on Old Compton Street to show solidarity with the LGBTIQ folk across the world who are facing homo, bi and trans phobia and hatred within their communities and especially with the people affected by the massacre by a man with a gun shooting over a hundred people at the weekend most of them People of Colour (49 deaths and wounding at least 53 more). But many others have written eloquently about the Massacre, and so this blog isn’t about that.

This blog is about hatred, but not the shooting-your-neighbour-and-their-friends kind of hate, but the impact of what have come to be called the ‘Microaggressions of everyday life’.  The tiny sneers, avoidant gazes and snickers at someone else expense. Being basted with a toxic marinade every day and wherever we go. It’s a very subtle form of hatred that is done to us, and we do to each other.

I think we all know by now the emotional and psychological costs of Minority Stress on the lives of Gender, Sexuality and Relationship Diverse people. The elevated rates of depression and self harm, alcohol and substance misuse, and anxiety and other major mental health problems. The research has largely focussed on LGBT people and has shown much more elevated levels of mental health distress amongst bi and trans folk. 

This is the impact of living on a planet where people are made to feel bad for who they love and how they express themselves.  Research seems to show that for many people finding ‘community’ and selectively sharing the information about one’s gender and/or sexuality, tends to have a positive effect on mental health.  There is even some evidence that being in a relationship is good for our mental health and can build resilience and have physical and mental health benefits.

But when you have found your tribe or community, and when you’ve found someone to share your life with, and maybe even marry them – does life get easier?  I’m not sure it does.  At least it’s not as simple as that.  Every time you reveal yourself IMG_7116to be who you are you’re likely to receive some forms of micro aggression.  Whenever I hold a partners hand out in public, I will almost always encounter some micro aggression or when I’m pulling on my leathers to go to a bar in town for a drink on a Saturday night and travelling on the tube or bus, or when I’m wearing something fab-u-lous like the purple hat I’m sporting here, I will encounter someone else’s negative reaction.  These micro aggressions are most common when I’m amongst the hetero-majority.   People will see that I’m queer and respond accordingly, in a microsecond.  Probably before they’re even aware they’ve responded and if you see them – you will register the tiny micro aggression and it can eat away at your soul and if you don’t feel you have a soul, it will eat away at your confidence, in time. 

When I was with a few thousand other wonderful people on Old Compton Street nobody seemed to care, but a few minutes walk away and my ‘gaydar’ detected two or three individuals who undoubtedly batted for our team and were very close friends with Dorothy, each of whom found a way to ensure I didn’t exist!

So we think by being out and proud and living our authentic life, and being our own special creation, everything is going to be fine and dandy – and most of the time they are. And sometimes they are not.  Sometimes, we can be as guilty about quietly spooning out this marinade over each other and THAT IS NOT GOOD.  We can see someone, especially someone who is looking more fabulous than we are, or behaving in a loud and outrageous manner and giving the game away and we too can ladle it out with a sneer or avoid their gaze, snicker, not want to be seen as like THAT! Not wanting to be one-of-THOSE-people. We can also do it when someone’s body-shape doesn’t match the gay or lesbian ‘ideal’, when someone is significantly older than the others in the bar or club, and when their gender presentation is outside what is considered the accepted cultural ‘norm’.  The years of having to hide, and pass and survive, leaves us all with a legacy, whereby we often, quite unconsciously, avoid acknowledging each other, we withhold our smiles of recognition and warmth for a kindred spirit and THAT IS NOT GOOD!

I think we need to continue to build community, celebrate diversity and be kind to each other and if someone is a bit more full-on or different than we are when we see them in the street, perhaps we can smile and wink and celebrate our differences and our similarities.

embracing_diversity

Dominic Davies
CEO Pink Therapy – June 2016

BACP seen as flawed at home and abroad

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There continues to be a lot of support for my stance and criticism not only of BACP but the training organisations that are accredited by them:

 

I’m in my second year of a Diploma in Therapeutic Counselling with an Integrative approach in London. Your post about leaving the BACP over their LGBTQ diversity issues worries me as a trainee. As I’m told at every stage I need to be BACP registered and Accredited. I’m so glad I received today the link from you and a hard copy of Therapy Today on this issue. It is so true that there is a lack of training regarding this. In our institution we have had a days session and if it wasn’t delivered from my colleague who is Trans and myself and aware of your work and other material on Gay Affirmation therapy and how Counsellors / Therapists should work with clients presenting these issues. I would hate to think what would have been delivered. We only presented to one class of three! It really seems a token gesture and not taken seriously for those in current training to challenge their own views and prejudices! 

Not sure why the lecturers didn’t deliver it? Perhaps they aren’t trained or up to date with this??? Needs to be rolled out to all institutions!

Another counsellor responded:

This is so familiar, so many people here delivered the only LGBT component of their course, as students, often having to balance outing themselves with tackling prejudice and outdated notions

Another said:

I qualified as an Integrative Counsellor in 2008. We had no training whatsoever concerning LGBTQI clients. I researched myself and went on a couple of courses with Pink Therapy. Sad to hear it seems much the same in 2016!

Some international support

I read of your resignation from the BACP today. I think you are doing the right thing, and someone of your stature doing this may possibly effect some shift, certainly makes people take notice. I am a fellow psychologist; I resigned from APA years ago due to the terrible issues around torture, failure to take treatment efficacy seriously, and also the foolhardy drive to attain prescription privileges. Better to stand apart, in my opinion, than to be associated with an unethical herd. The issues around conversion therapy are quite serious and real, and no responsible psychologist should ignore it.

and this one:

This morning I read about your resignation from the BACP, and I just want to say thank you so much.

I am lucky to be a young queer woman in Boston, where the atmosphere of most places is somewhere between tolerant and accepting. But in my experiences of mental healthcare, I’ve seen a completely different world. So many psychologists and counsellors are uneducated and untrained about LGBT+ matters, and I’ve seen so much damage done to my queer community because of it. 

I am graduating from high school in a few months, and as I head into college to major in mental health counseling and social work, I feel like it’s important to have faith in the mental healthcare world that I want to work in. It’s really hard to have that faith when I’ve already seen so many problems with the system, especially in the treatment of LGBT+ people. But actions like yours give me hope– I read your statement and remembered that systems can be changed, and the people who choose to work in the counseling world do that work because they genuinely want to help others. 

Thank you so, so much for reaffirming that for me, and thank you for the work you’re doing. I imagine it’s not easy to speak out against a group like the BACP. The LGBT+ world is lucky to have you.

On the monopoly BACP seem to have with employers:

FFS. That leaves me in a very bad situation. It’s not like I have much choice of professional organisations to belong to.

And another:

I’m not sure where else I can go in terms of membership organisations. Makes me feel angry at the conservatism of the BACP.

And another:

I’m a referral counsellor for a therapy centre based on my BACP accreditation, it would mean losing my livelihood unless I could persuade the therapy centre to accept the National Counselling Society.

What could BACP be doing?

Some people have asked me what specifically could BACP be doing to support the LGBT communities better. Here are a few suggestions to be going on with:

  1. Develop some core competencies on Equality and Diversity related issues that take account of the complexity of intersectionality.
  2. Ensure therapists receive some basic sexuality awareness training so that they can discuss sexual issues with their clients.
  3. Ensure Gender and Sexual Diversity issues are woven throughout the therapy training and not just a tokenistic add on.
  4. Closely audit the courses BACP accredit to ensure they are meeting these requirements.
  5. The training should be delivered either by faculty if they feel competent, or by external trainers. Students enrolled in the programme should not be delivering this training.
  6. As the major UK therapy organisation and therefore the wealthiest, BACP could be funding a researcher to produce an FAQ on Conversion Therapy  and develop some training materials on this subject as a resource for all of the signatory organisations and their members.
  7. Actively support people from disadvantaged and underserved communities to train as therapists.  In particular, increase the availability of  therapy from Black and Minority Ethnic (BAME) and Trans and Gender Diverse counsellors.  Both groups are significantly economically disadvantaged in society and yet also have poorer mental health and so we need to ensure training isn’t only affordable by wealthy people. This is why we’re offering a couple of training bursaries for our own two-year PG Diploma in Gender and Sexual Diversity Therapy to Trans and BAME therapists.  It’s estimated that basic therapy training costs between £20-£80k and for those people who then want to go on and specialise in working with Gender, Sexual and Relationship Diverse Clients it’s going to add another £5k.

In one of my earlier blogs I mentioned how both BAATN and ourselves have set up volunteer led mentoring schemes to support those members of our communities who are training to be therapists in what can be quite alienating and hostile environments.

Dominic Davies
22 Feb 2016

Bad Language and Psychoanalysis

couch

I’m increasingly becoming concerned when I see language used like this: http://www.nscience.co.uk/10-feb-2016.html by colleagues in the psychoanalytic world.

What I am talking about here is the misappropriation by some sectors of the psychoanalytic community of the terms ‘sadism’ and ‘masochism’ to largely mean acting in a way which punishes others or themselves, (usually with words or thoughts rather than physical activities).

I believe it’s now pretty widely understood that in the real world, sadism and masochism refer to consensual sensation based ‘play’ (giving or receiving pain in sexualised contexts).  I think that in mainstream society this is fairly well understood and  I suspect more people understand sadism and masochism in this context than the obscure psychoanalytic one.

Language is constantly evolving and dynamic and words that for one generation were acceptable are no longer acceptable.  This continued usage is akin to us using the word ‘Coloured’ to mean Black, or ‘cripple’ to mean disabled. It’s outdated and no longer acceptable practice.

In 2012 the British Psychoanalytic Council held its first conference, Homosexuality: Moving On, reviewed here by my former supervisor and friend, the late Dr Bernard Ratigan who was sat next to me.  It really felt there was a genuine desire to apologise for the harms done to the lesbian and gay communities by psychoanalysis.  The conference had an air of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission of the post-apartheid era South Africa..  I know the BPC as an organisation are keen to no longer pathologise homosexuality, although how much progress has been made in their desire for moving on has been reflected in the curriculum of their member organisations psychoanalytic trainings or in their being openly lesbian or gay psychoanalysts as members is another question (there are several out gay psychoanalytic psychotherapists but to my knowledge not a single openly gay or lesbian psychoanalyst within BPC membership.

But what of other diverse sexualities, identities and lifestyles?  Is it acceptable to continue to pathologise members of the BDSM/Kink communities by using outdated and frankly offensive and misleading terms like sadism, masochism and perversion?

If the world of psychoanalysis wants to show it has something to offer those with diverse genders, sexualities and lifestyles and step aside from its history of pathologisation of sexual difference, and heteronormativity, then I think it would be wise to consider the impact of pathologising language on those disenfranchised members of society they might hope to help.

Dominic Davies
CEO Pink Therapy

P.S. In 2004 Pink Therapy’s held it’s first ever conference on the  subject of Queers, Queer Theory and the contribution of Psychoanalysis and Psychoanalytic thinking.  You can listen the audio recordings of the keynotes on our YouTube channel playlist

The obligatory 50 Shades post

closed cuffs

Many people within the Kink community quite rightly objected to the portrayal of the relationship as abusive and challenging deeply held norms within the Kink community around play being ‘Safe, Sane and Consensual’.

However, the book, has resulted in more people learning about Kink, attending munches (social meetings in regular pubs) and going to kink-oriented clubs and buying more fetish gear and toys.  They’re has been an enormous explosion of interest in BDSM and Kink.

In my view this has been very helpful, it’s helped to reduce the shame that many people have held about their fantasies and desires for power exchange based sex (Dominance and submission) and for certain levels of restriction and restraint (bondage) or certain kinds of pain based play which increases endorphins and can be intensely pleasurable for some (masochism).  These are all entirely normal and very common fantasies and desires and now many people are feeling empowered to legitimately incorporate them into their sexual relationships.  These then get added to their repertoire of existing preferred sexual behaviours and can lead to enhanced communication with their partners and deeper intimacy and connection.

But what about the consent issue?  Christian Grey is clearly abusive and engaging in intimate partner violence and this is being presented as BDSM.  However, whilst we’ve seen a huge increase in interest in BDSM, I haven’t heard of a similar increase in presentations at Domestic Violence charities or to the Police where people are stating the abuse occurred in their relationship because of the 50 Shades phenomenon.  I think the readership of what are, by all accounts really poorly written books are intelligent enough to see that Grey is abusive and to separate out the hot exchange of power and sensation (the two core elements of BDSM) from the non consensual side of things.

Having said this, Consent IS a big issue for those of us in kink community and a large scale research project by the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom is underway and lots of conversations about non consensual experiences are being had within the community.  An education campaign is being undertaken by many activists in the community to try and address these issues.  But these consent issues predated the 50 Shades phenomena and has been an issue in our community with people often being afraid to speak out or worried they won’t be taken seriously.

I think the Kink community IS attending to this issue and the newcomers to the community need education about what IS and isn’t safe and good practice in incorporating these powerful techniques into their lives.  I’d like to encourage readers to check out and follow the blog of one of our Clinical Associates Dr Meg John Barker, author of the excellent book Rewriting the Rules who has been been blogging about BDSM in the run up to the movie being released.

Dominic Davies
CEO Pink Therapy
Psychotherapist and Clinical Sexologist

Dermod Moore interviews Dominic Davies in Dublin

This is an interview Dominic gave Dermod Moore when in Dublin earlier in the year where they discussed sex, sexuality and psychotherapy in the social context of Ireland. 

Dermod Moore: Thinking back to the time the Pink Therapy books were first published – a lot has changed since then!

Dominic Davies: Yes, Pink Therapy as an organisation has been around 14 years. It feels like it’s gone in the blink of an eye.

DM Do you have a sense that what you are doing is more mainstream, now?

DD I think that’s true. It’s now becoming a legitimate source of study and to work in. It’s being recognized by the professional associations too, which is really good. They’re not doing very public or explicit things regarding GSD issues, but I have a sense now that my voice will be heard, that, for example, my letters tend to be published in full. It’s quite a nice degree of power to have.

For example, the European Association for Psychotherapy has a draft document which is proposing the necessary professional core competencies for psychotherapists – it managed to avoid mentioning awareness of sexuality in its requirements.

I mean, how did you miss that out in the first place, people? What is going on? You list all these other “-isms” but you don’t list sexuality? Is that heteronormativity? Or is that homophobia? Because it should be ingrained in people’s awareness by now. When this was pointed out to me, I sent off a few emails to various people saying how appalling it was, and then someone in UKCP drafted a correction,* which was submitted to the EAP competency committee. It makes me think – it’s not benign for that to be missed out. The situation for European queers is pretty appalling, especially for some Central and Eastern Europeans – and for therapists practicing there, if it’s not enshrined in the competency codes that they need to account for sexuality, they could easily not do so, or pathologise, or institute reparative therapy. Given how Russia is treating gays at the moment, the fact that the EAP is meeting in Moscow is important.

One of the things that was coming out of today’s workshop was a sense that it was the first time that such a workshop was held in Ireland. Why did the professional associations not do this sort of thing?

DM Actually, Stephen Vaughan has presented workshops for IAHIP (Irish Association for Humanistic and Integrative Psychotherapy) and IACP (Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy) over the years, with others doing work for the HSE/GMHP.

I know, Dominic, that you’ve been working recently on emotional and psychological safety for sex workers in London, can you say a bit more about this aspect of your work?

DD Clearly, there are people who are exploited and trafficked, and that needs to be stopped, that goes without saying. For people who want to make a conscious choice to go into it as a profession, or as a part-time occupation, or as a way to pay their way through college, earning good money, and if they’re comfortable doing that, then I don’t think the state should be intervening in that. I think it’s their body and it’s their right to do with it as they want to. I also think there are also issues around access to sex, – for example, people with disabilities who might want to have sex. Sex workers often play a really vital role in the psychological and mental wellbeing of disabled people. Whether that’s just company, or self-esteem, or sexual touch, it seems to me that they are providing a compassionate service – and to criminalise it is appalling. I was lucky enough to meet sex workers in Australia and helped inspire an organisation that is largely staffed by sex workers to work with disabled people; training them how to safely lift people, how to deal with catheters etc; how to work with people with cerebral palsy, or speech impediments, or those who might spasm. How to help them practice their kissing skills, learn to flirt – sex workers are fantastic at flirting! They are very proficient teachers of the art of lovemaking. That was a really exciting project to be involved in.

A lot of the people using sex workers are very big into power play and degrading and using, and they may be nervous, difficult, trying to get it on the cheap, or try to exploit in other ways – and if you’re on the receiving end of that you may end up feeling quite contaminated with all this baggage. I was teaching them – both practicing and aspiring sex workers – Thought Field Therapy, an energy psychology, which is one of the most effective psychological treatments I’ve ever come across.

DM – I can hear, listening to you, how you are always de-problematising sex – always asking, “what’s wrong with sex?” In the Irish context, there’s often a long journey to leave behind a lot of shame about matters sexual, there’s such a strong message of “you’ve got to be careful, protect yourself”.

DD Of course I want people to protect themselves, while they are having incredible sex! I want them to be emotionally healthy! I’d want them to feel that what they are doing is liberating and exciting and a healthy and positive way of expressing themselves. And if they manage to remember the name of the person that they’re having sex with, and leave them both with a smile on their face, that counts as healthy sex!

DM There are regular radio ads in Ireland for a clinic offering treatments for all sorts of addiction, including sex addiction.

DD I don’t buy it, sex addiction. I don’t believe sex, which is a natural biological drive and urge, can be classified as an addiction. I think it’s dangerous and foolish to do so. I think Dr David J. Ley’s new book, The Myth of Sex Addiction spells out the case very eloquently, and if there is anyone who thinks there is such a thing they really ought to read his book. Yes, there are some people who have a problem with sex, who use it in a compulsive way, whose sexual activity masks other, more serious psychopathologies, such as bipolar depression, or borderline personality disorder, or narcissistic personality disorder. But if you are diagnosed as a sex addict, the treatment is perhaps to go on a chastity contract, or work The Steps; it focuses entirely on sex and your sexual history, that fits you in to a paradigm that says you were abused, or traumatised in some way. Who has not had a childhood that could not be seen as traumatic, through a particular lens? The sexual acting out is likely to be a symptom of something else that’s going on. It’s just a symptom, like a tic; and that will go away if you deal with the other stuff. In over 30 years of practice, I’ve never yet met a “sex addict.” I don’t think other people diagnosing you is ethical. The APA, doesn’t accept sex addiction exists; the DSM-V committee refused to include hypersexuality as a disorder. There’s no agreement that the diagnosis exists.

It is, basically, shame. And I have a paper in mind, that I want to write. It’s framed in DSM language: a diagnostic criteria for a new sexual disorder. And it’s called Sexual Shame Disorder. It would mean that these clinics could continue to charge money to treat people for something – but they might have to change the framework they’re using!

People who are presenting with sexual shame need treatment for it. And if they are calling themselves sex addicts, then, as long as we screen out the disorders I’ve mentioned, then what’s left is sexual shame. And that is treatable! I treat that all the time!

DM Someone from that clinic was on the radio recently with a client talking of how he had become addicted to porn, and broke his wife’s heart.

DD I’ve not fully formed my ideas on porn. The impact of porn on young people, particularly on young men, can be quite damaging. Clinically, there are more reports of erectile dysfunction, young men who have been masturbating to porn all the time, and then they find that real sex, when they finally get laid, doesn’t match up. It’s not as fast, it’s not as intense, they can’t find the fast-forward button on their partner to get to the exciting bits! So, their erection diminishes, and they feel shame, and they feel bad. It can all be undone and relearned. But it takes time. The neurochemistry of the brain is that they’re harnessing all the dopamine and the adrenaline, but what they’re not accessing is the oxytocin. And if they withdraw from 2-4 weeks, from all of that intensity, and understand more about the process, psycho-education, and then are given some opportunities to do other horny activities, the body and the brain reprogramme, and you can have a more balanced sex life. But I think porn has its place, it’s a great way for people to get sex education, you can become more creative in your imagination, with things that you find hot.

DM But isn’t (heterosexual) porn all about viewing, from a feminist point of view, women as objects, there for the pleasure of men?

DD There are plenty of women who like porn. Plenty of women who like sex, the carnality of it, who like sex without any connection, or romance, who just want a good hard orgasm and plenty of them. And they want someone with the stamina and the skill to give it to them. And let’s celebrate those women too, and not marginalise them and play into a stereotype that women don’t like sex and it’s men’s sexual desires that give them some sort of exclusive biological privilege that they should do whatever they like. They shouldn’t do what they like! It’s too convenient for a man to say “I couldn’t help myself because I’m a sex addict” – that’s the ultimate cop out. It’s much better to say “I did it because I wanted to.” “I did it because I’m horny.” Or, “I did it because you haven’t wanted to have sex with me for the last three months.” Whatever the reason, men are responsible for their sexuality and women are responsible for their sexuality. We need to take responsibility. Sex itself is not a bad thing. It’s how it’s used, what people do with it. That’s where the conversation needs to begin.

Dermod Moore is a psychotherapist in Dublin and  teaches the ‘Sexuality and Gender’ modules at the Psychosynthesis Education and Trust http://dermod.tel

Dominic Davies, a fellow of the BACP, lecturer, supervisor, psychotherapist, sex therapist, co-editor of the Pink Therapy series of books (with Charles Neal, 1996-2000), writer and activist, spoke to Dermod Moore on his recent visit to Dublin. He was co-training a workshop “Working with Gender and Sexual Diversity” for  Oakleaf Counselling, for 26 counsellors and psychotherapists working with Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual or Transgender clients or anyone who would like to improve their understanding of working with Gender and Sexual Diversity. (GSD).

PS:   Amanda Middleton and Dominic Davies will be off to Dublin in February 2014 with their Introduction to Psychosexual Therapy. Check out the link for the syllabus

Again, Anita Furlong is producing the event and dealing with admin. Places are limited and it’s booking up fast! http://www.oakleafcounselling.com/workshops-and-seminars.html

Russia

Russia

Clearing out some very old papers at home the other day, I found some correspondance about the Russian language translation of Pink Therapy volume 1.

This is the only other language Pink Therapy has been translated into and it was done by a dedicated fan, a psychiatrist I believe, who thought it should be made available to his people.

I’m rather glad he did because I also found a second letter which came from a reader of that Russian edition who came across the book unexpectedly, and it changed her life. The original was badly copied and so has been transcribed and I’ve not tried to clear up the grammar and syntax.

When I get feedback from readers of my books, there is an amazingly gratifying feeling. Writing is a lonely project and not one that comes easily to me, but when I feel I have something to say, I generally have to say it! But one never knows whether one’s words mean much to anyone else. It’s wonderful to hear that sometimes, they do!

Given the really horrible situation most LGBT people in Russia find themselves, I am so pleased that somewhere in random book shops, they might come across Pink Therapy, or perhaps our website which has a more updated paper on Gender and Sexual Diversity Therapy translated into Russian:
http://www.pinktherapy.com/Portals/0/Downloadables/Translations/RUS_GSDT.pdf

Dominic Davies